In the 2000 presidential campaign Ralph Nader said, "The only difference between Bush and Gore is the velocity with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock at the door."
Substituting George Bush with the current Republican imbeciles in Congress, and Al Gore with Barrack Obama and his impotent Democratic Congressional zombies, nothing much has changed since 2000, except perhaps the increase in velocity in which both parties rapidly prostrate themselves before their corporate deities.
Now in 2011, Corporate Jesus has descended to planet D.C. yet again knocking on Congress’s door and you’ll never guess what the All Mighty exhorted to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber this time around.
As usual he had a myriad of “dogmatic goodies,” but one of his more choice homilies this time around was his insistence that President Obama halt the EPA smog standards.
Why would Corporate Jesus demand such a thing?
Because clean air kills jobs dummy!
(I know what you’re thinking.)
“This makes perfect sense! Why didn’t I think of this?”
The nexus is rather obvious if you just take the time to think about it. Congressional Republicans and Democrats were commanded by Corporate Jesus to look out for the little man. Corporations like General Electric, for example, are not hiring Americans despite recording record profits because the air is just too damn clean. (Okay, so it’s not really clean, but the prospect of making the air less polluted is more than the Church of Corporate America can bear to handle if it is expected to create jobs—they may be creationists, but they can’t do it without brown air.)
Still not convinced? (I’ll be honest with you, I feel a touch annoyed that I have to dumb this down for you, but alas this is the cross I must bear to educate the non-believers.)
Let me break it down for you by quoting a great American…
"This effective ban or restriction on construction and industrial growth for much of America is possibly the most harmful of all the currently anticipated Obama Administration regulations," says Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor.
And who on earth wouldn’t trust the Apostle Eric Cantor?
After all, an “overly regulated” government could potentially one day prevent Cantor from doing something as innocuous as shorting American Treasury bonds while voting to send the country into default by voting against raising the debt ceiling and praying for a credit downgrade. (He actually did this by the way.) This is the type of regulatory slippery slope that could potentially lead to clean air and an avalanche of unemployment, not to mention screwing up the Apostle Cantor’s investment portfolio by preventing him from betting against America.
I want to be fair though, it’s not as though there aren’t uninterested trustworthy folks out there that are providing their two-cents to help our stalwart progressive president arrive at a conscientious decision on this “job creation” measure. The highly sanctimonious environmentalist and “job creationist” Jack Gerard, the President of the American Petroleum Institute, offered this decree in support: “The President’s decision is good news for the economy and Americans looking for work. EPA’s proposal would have prevented the very job creation that President Obama has identified as his top priority.”
See? The only thing standing between you and a new job is clean air. Men like Cantor and Gerard are practically saints and their piety can be described as nothing less than genuine.
Just look at the evidence.
Why have we lost 3,000,000 manufacturing jobs since 1998? Clean air.
Goldman Sachs estimated that over the past few years between 400,000 and 600,000 professional services and information sector jobs moved overseas. Why? Clean air.
Bank of America just laid off 3,500 people this month and 10,000 for the year. Why? Clean air.
Over 500,000 government jobs have been lost since 2008. Why? Clean air.
Why did General Electric, a company that made $14 billion in profits last year while paying no income tax ship 25,000 jobs overseas? Because American air is too damn clean and devil-worshippers at the EPA are intent on making it even cleaner by implementing satanic smog standards!
Incidentally, GE should know about creating American jobs because President Obama appointed GE Chairman and CEO Jeffrey Immelt as America’s Job Creation Czar—this is the CEO of one of America’s largest companies and charged by the government to help you find jobs (despite shipping thousands of them to China and India). He’s a damn expert in helping you get work (if you don’t mind commuting to China and India). It would be completely irresponsible for you not to trust him, and though he’s not technically a saint yet, his beatification and canonization are a mere formality.
I ask one thing of you my fellow Americans—please do your part in helping our country get out of its jobless rut and diligently partake in the debauchery of our ridiculously clean air so that we can get back on our feet. Pay your tithe to the Corporate Church. Do you own an SUV that gets 10 miles a gallon you selfish heathens? Do you drive in lieu of walking like Jesus did in Nazareth back in the day? Do you point aerosol cans skywards two at a time and spray their contents into the atmosphere yelling, “Screw you, you job-sucking adiamorphic sky!?”
What are you selfish clean air-breathing infidels doing to create jobs? Corporate Jesus, along with his Republican and Democratic disciples are counting on you. Stop sitting there and whining about your lack of employment as you breathe in only marginally polluted air like a bunch of ungrateful, crybaby, atheistic socialists.
God helps those who help themselves (and breathe brown air).
For a more in depth analysis on the important issue of dirty air and job creation please enjoy the ZPP broadcast featured in the link below. Before you know it you will be wearing a gas mask and enjoying your non-union job that offers you no pension, healthcare, or paid vacation—just as Corporate Jesus intended:
Listen to internet radio with cynicalrevolt on Blog Talk Radio
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1 comments:
You actually have a copy of the constitution on this site. I feel your ego is the only thing that is displayed. Do your self a favor, try and put a hold on your intellect and read a book " the 55 men" They truly worried about the uneducated and poor voting, and i believe they did not mean uneducated as a sense of learning but uneducated with no idea how to use the wisdom of the education.
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